Parenting Teens While Healing our Inner Parts
Parents of teens! You are not alone. This phase of life is not for the faint-hearted. Raising teens can be a time of incredible joy, watching our once-young ones develop into their own person, take on new challenges, and grow into adults. There’s a beautiful shift that happens when our children morph into intelligent, fun, and capable humans.
But have you also noticed that feeling inside your body, that stirring or activation that occurs when our teens challenge us or make decisions that seem all wrong for them? When they slam the door to their room, or fail an important test; are excluded socially, or are struggling to make friends; don’t make a sports team, or receive a bad part in the play. When they are in relationships that are unhealthy, or experience trauma of some kind. That feeling of activation is very possibly our own teen parts remembering what it was like to go through these disappointments, pain, and heartbreak. Our own parts remember what it was like to feel alone, misunderstood, left out, or isolated.
How do we simultaneously heal our own teenage parts whilst parenting our teens from a place of Compassionate Self? How do we not let our own parts get in the way of their growth and agency over their lives?
In IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy, we know that we all carry “parts” that hold pain or beliefs shaped by our younger years. Perhaps we ourselves went through a difficult time during adolescence, such as bullying, pressure to succeed, a desire to rebel, or family trauma. When our own children reach that same age, it can bring up fears and feelings that our own parts experienced. We may have parts that want to protect our children from the same pain. Our intentions may be coming from a caring place, but being overprotective or overly invested can lead to the opposite of connection with our teens. When we notice ourselves being highly activated or having an intense agenda for our teens, it can be a sign that a deeper part of ourselves needs healing and attention.
So what can we do as parents to show up for our teens with support and love? The first step is to notice our own physical sensations that arise around our children. To ask ourselves, with curiosity, “why is my body so tense around this issue, why do I feel so strongly activated in my body?” Why am I up all night worrying about my child’s friendships, grades, etc?” It’s normal to care deeply about our children, and no parent is without worry, but it’s important to determine - “Is this about my child or about me?”
Only once we have noticed what’s going on inside ourselves can we begin to heal our own past. IFS therapy is a powerful tool to help us navigate our younger parts, understand what burdens they carry, and release them for good. It is a model that allows us to turn toward ourselves with compassion and care, listening intently to our younger parts, and essentially change the narrative.
We can say to those parts, “ I see you, I know it was hard for you, I am here for you now.” This simple act of talking to our parts is regulating to our nervous system. And only a regulated nervous system can parent from a place of Calm, Clarity, and Compassion. When we tend to our own wounded teen, we stop expecting our children to heal what’s unhealed in us.
If this resonates with you, we invite you to reach out to us to set up a time to talk. You don’t have to navigate these challenging years alone!
